4 Common Challenges Most Young Trini Couples Experience

“A growing body of research suggests that the romantic domain of youth’s lives is prominent, affects how (they) view the self, and is marked by intense emotional ups and downs.” (Fincham & Cui, 2010, p.275)

So let’s get right into it some of these intense emotional ups and downs

1) Skeletons in the cupboard:

Finding a partner who has had no previous relationships or ‘intimate involvements’ with another person is quite rare, not impossible, but very rare. Everyone has a past and you can bet your bottom dollar that there are just as much shameful experiences and regrets as there are achievements in any given past.

However, two facts remain;

1) Trinidad is a very small place

2) Trinidad is also a synonym for the word ‘Bacchanal’

It becomes a trying task for a young couple to embark on a new relationship without the ghosts of the recent and not-so-recent past suddenly speaking up. So don’t even think about locking those skeletons in your cupboard. If you want to know why, refer to Facts 1 and 2 above. Trust me, if you don’t reveal those skeletons to your partner, someone else definitely will, heck, even the skeletons themselves might do the talking.

This may be a difficult and emotional topic of discussion and may take some time to be done effectively. We all wish that our partner never had a past and so, our emotions can get the best of us. Also, according to the number of ex-partners, we may even be discouraged to continue in the current relationship. The fact is that once you reveal these skeletons to your partner, you take away the opportunity and power from anyone else who seek to use it against you. I’m not staying to justify or make excuses for your past, but own it. Because if you don’t someone else will. Also, it makes for a much stronger relationship that is more resistant to the opinions of the ‘bacchanalists’ that surround. Own it and Evolve from it. By evolving, your past is dead. Definitions of you as ‘a bad ting’, ‘a player’, a ‘ho’ or anything else is also dead. You are not your past, but it will serve you well to inform your partner of it, to avoid the inevitable and unpleasant surprise that will come from living in a small place like Trinidad.

 

2) No money, Mo’ problems:

So, the young adult is usually considered around the age of 18-25. You’re now establishing yourself within tertiary education or even a career. Most of us aren’t that lucky to be gifted a new car for our 18^th birthday and neither do our parents have a spare car lying around that suddenly becomes ours to use. For some of us, we actually have to go to school, get a job and accumulate some sort of bank savings in order to source a loan to eventually purchase a car of our own. This takes time! So for the meanwhile, we’re left to survive by sourcing alternative transport to achieve our ‘dates’, which usually comes with a cost attached to it. The only problem is that our only income is our parents’ allowance. Pressure!  Getting around these setbacks and maintaining our relationship is a bit of a struggle, but it isn’t impossible.

The two partners need to acknowledge and accept their situation and agree to make the best of it together, as a team. There are many creative dates you can conjure up together that doesn’t require you breaking the piggy bank. The reality is that, there are limited options for ‘adult’ dates in Trinidad that won’t hurt your pocket. The limited options that exist can be exhausted quite quickly and easily as well.

However, you can both spice it up by having picnics, having a movie day/night with your own DVDs since Movie Towne is way too expensive, grabbing a simple breakfast together; do not underestimate doubles (everyone loves doubles) or even a relatively cheap breakfast special at Wendy’s or Burger King once in a while. You can carpool with friends and other couples for trips to the Emperor Valley Zoo, the Botanical Gardens, beautiful sites such as the Bamboo Cathedral, or even one of the hundreds of beaches in Trinidad. There’s so much you can do to keep the spark alive even though money is tight and transport is a bit of a problem. You’re young and while you need to start saving for your future, you also need to have a little fun. Fun doesn’t always have to mean expensive.

3) Toxic ‘Friends’:  

It is often said that a relationship shouldn’t ruin a friendship. However, I think it should be said more often, that a friendship shouldn’t ruin a relationship either! A promising relationship somehow acts as a magnet that attracts hatred, jealousy and any other facet of negativity you can think about. It is safe to say that any good relationship has witnessed the metamorphosis of numerous friends into ‘frenemies’. “More commonly, “sabotage” comes in the form of bad advice in regards to relationship or new flame.” (Birch, 2012, n.p.) Referring back to the 2 facts about Trinidad mentioned above, it is understood why friendships should be monitored closely to ensure they’re not secretly destroying your relationship.

Although this may be debatable, since Trinidad is in fact densely populated by Bacchanalists, Birch argued that, “Most cases of “sabotage” aren’t actually full of ill will, but of misunderstanding. However…there are some malicious people, but those are the exceptions. I would not say they are the rule… when there is maliciousness, it is usually because of lack of self-esteem and envy that someone else might have what she believes she cannot have. These are not real friends.” (2012, n.p.)

Whether your friends are encouraging/condoning cheating, nagging about your past relationships, demanding more attention and suggesting you ignore your partner, being disrespectful to, lying on, or even flirting with your partner (the list can go on and on), you need to take heed and cut them off! Don’t allow them to steer your relationship into destruction. Run from the moment you observe these elements! These friends are not conducive to a good relationship.

At the end of the day, it is important to know that you shouldn’t base your relationship decisions merely off of the advice of people who don’t have to live with the results. Some people just don’t want to see you in a happy relationship if they’re not. You decide what’s more important.

4) Facebook. Think Before You Share because Not Everyone Cares!

Yes I’m aware there are other social media that affects relationships, but Facebook is a pretty common one that I can comment on through experience. There are many issues that can be challenging, ranging from vestiges of old flames, overanalyzing your partner’s posts, feelings of insecurity when you are exposed to your partners exes and potential partners, sharing too much information about your partner and your relationship issues, as well as the risk of ‘public heartbreak’ since your Facebook relationship status determines how official it is. (duh!)

Facebook maturity is real phenomenon. We all start off virtually immature but it becomes imperative to develop some measure of ‘Facebook etiquette’ if we are to carefully nurture and maintain our romantic relationship. Trini people like to talk (refer to Fact 2). As tempting as it may be, RESIST the urge to update the public of your relationship problems and disagreements. Do not taint the sacrosanct boundary between the private and public. No One Really Cares! You risk getting more harmful advice whilst simultaneously opening a portal for third party involvement. You and your partner will eventually resolve the issue and move on, but the public won’t.  Think before you post. Because Trinidad is small and Trinidad is Bacchanal, after you share that post complaining about your man not giving you enough attention, Sally’s friend’s brother who doesn’t even have you on Facebook is suddenly reaching out to you for consolation.

Overall, it’s not impossible to maintain a relationship as young adults in Trinidad. The odds may not be in your favour, but it’s all about using these potential obstacles to your advantage and for the ultimate survival of your relationship. Trinidad may not be quite ‘relationship-conducive’, but it’s up to you and your partner to make the right decisions as a team and maneuver the challenges that may come your way.

References:

13 Signs Your Friends Are Ruining Your Relationship. (n.d.). Retrieved March 2, 2015, from http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/broken-heart/13-signs-your-friends-are-ruining-your-relationship 

Birch, J. (2012, August 29). Are Your Friends Ruining Your Love Life? Retrieved March 1, 2015, from http://www.latina.com/lifestyle/love/are-your-friends-ruining-your-love-life 

DeJolde, A. (n.d.). How Does Facebook Affect Your Relationships? Retrieved March 2, 2015, from http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-does-facebook-affect-your-relationships.html

Fincham, F. (2010). Romantic relationships in emerging adulthood. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.